sometimes i wish i could have a book filled with my favorite things and moments i love. i don't want it to be an ordinary book, filled with photos, writing, and scraps i find here or there, i want it to be like watching an old 8mm film on a projection screen or like a hologram. i want it to show the moment so each time i look through the book i can relive the memory. it would be filled with all sorts of moments, from extremely simple things like the phone message my nine year old nephew left me about the fungus my peach tree has "Hi Aunt Chels, I just wanted to warn you that if the peach scab gets to bad that your peach tree could die." to things like a robin landing next to another robin on a tree branch and giving it a worm. or the way my dog looks at me when i get home, with a content face and a slowly waging tail. some pages would open and have dialogue and sound, like my nephew talking or the sound the rain makes on the roof of my shed. other pages would have short film clips, like of my uncle playing the guitar or my friends sitting around a campfire together. others might have holograms, to show really simple things like birds flying or a flower growing. it would be my book and it would be extremely unique to me. it would document all the things that make me smile or make my boots lighter. it would record my life story, in a sense.
it would be beautiful.

shooting stars and fireflies. or coming home.

sometimes it is really hard coming back to springfield. it no longer feels like home or it feels like my community of friends have spread out and disappeared. it can be a lonely place, a place where i have to fight to be something different or where i am only what people see in my appearance. sometimes missouri is the last place i want to be.
but not this time.
as karlei and i drove back into missouri, marking the last five hours of our road trip, we sang our traditional 'going home' song...
misery, misery, the worst place i'll ever beeee.
it is a lovely song that really shows how much we love our state, or returning there from adventures abroad. as we were loathing in our misery of being in missouri (not two minutes after crossing the state line) we remembered why Missouri is not such a bad place, and i began to feel better about coming home.
lightening bugs. we began to see the dark fields flash with little yellow lights. glowing. beautiful. karlei had been reading me peter pan, but now we sat in silence. listening to the weeerrrrr and tititititit of my car and the passing vehicles, the silent crickets chirping outside. and watching. straining to not miss a single flash. a single glowing bug.
smiling with content. i was ready to be home. i began to realize that the time has come for me to stay (relatively) in one place for a while. that doesn't mean i won't be leaving town every chance i get, rather that i will be content to sit in my shed (my little house) and read and go out with my old friends and build stronger connections with new friends. i am ready to go back to school. i noticed when we were in portland all the books i bought were boring latin american studies books, but, somehow, i am still really looking forward to reading them. i am looking forward to studying and taking classes that help me to learn new things and expand my horizons. it will be good.
i am feeling positive about being back this time. it is home.
when we were just an hour out of city limits, we pulled over to stare in awe at the glowing stars in the sky. it was 2am and we had been driving for too long without sleep. we had driven all night the night before and then all day. but we pulled over, cranked open my sunroof so we could sit on top of the car, and we just watched. we let the fireflies fool us into thinking they were shooting stars when they flashed in the corner of our eyes. we silently counted satellites and listened to the cicadas chirp along with the frogs. the sound of our backwater.
it was a perfect coming home song with the most wonderful view to go with it. stars and fireflies.

welcome home.

now i have been home for a week. i have been spending time with my friends that i have neglected for so long and have been trying (in my own shy manner) to make new friends and to remember all that i have learned while traveling this last year. i feel like i am where i am suppose to be, like i am just who i need to be right now. and that feels good.